Guest 713- Registered: 19 Mar 2011
- Posts: 342
Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
'*********
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with
5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!
James Hayes, Jan Higgins, Reginald Barrington and
1 more like this
James Hayes, Jan Higgins, Reginald Barrington and The Gov like this
Button
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 22 Jul 2016
- Posts: 3,057
Jan Higgins likes this
(Not my real name.)
Keith Sansum1
- Location: london
- Registered: 25 Aug 2010
- Posts: 23,928
Quite good
ALL POSTS ARE MY OWN PERSONAL VIEWS
Captain Haddock
- Location: Marlinspike Hall
- Registered: 8 Oct 2012
- Posts: 8,095
Decided to pop up into the attic last night just to check that the tree lights still worked. Whilst I was up there I found a present that we meant to give to the kids last year but forgot.
Shame, they would've loved that puppy
Button and The Gov like this
"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
Dr. Hunter S Thompson
Keith Sansum1- Location: london
- Registered: 25 Aug 2010
- Posts: 23,928
Lol
ALL POSTS ARE MY OWN PERSONAL VIEWS
TheThinWhiteDuke- Registered: 7 Jul 2016
- Posts: 357
A person goes to the doctors.
They have a carrot up one nostril. A sausage up the other. Both ears have a chip stuck in them.
"I can see why you're sick", the doctor says.
"You're not eating properly".
Jan Higgins likes this
Keith Sansum1- Location: london
- Registered: 25 Aug 2010
- Posts: 23,928
The old ones are the best lol
ALL POSTS ARE MY OWN PERSONAL VIEWS
James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
If you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to
assume your parents started the New Year with
a bang
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Captain Haddock- Location: Marlinspike Hall
- Registered: 8 Oct 2012
- Posts: 8,095
Hell of a night last night. The police set up roadblocks to catch Xmas drink drivers on the main road out of town, I avoided this by taking a taxi. The police just waved all the taxis through & I arrived home safely 10mins later. I’m quite impressed, I’ve never driven one before.....
"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
Dr. Hunter S Thompson
James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes . Its about rasin awareness
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Captain Haddock- Location: Marlinspike Hall
- Registered: 8 Oct 2012
- Posts: 8,095
Just 'phoned DDC to ask if I could have a skip outside my house.
The woman on the end of the 'phone said 'Go for it, fatty'.
"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
Dr. Hunter S Thompson
Captain Haddock- Location: Marlinspike Hall
- Registered: 8 Oct 2012
- Posts: 8,095
My therapist told me 'write letters to people you hate and then burn them'.
Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters .......................
"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
Dr. Hunter S Thompson
James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
Ikea has started sponsoring our local school;
assembly takes ages now!
Guest 3925, Pablo and Jan Higgins like this
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Captain Haddock- Location: Marlinspike Hall
- Registered: 8 Oct 2012
- Posts: 8,095
Reginald Barrington likes this
"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
Dr. Hunter S Thompson
James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
Cliff Richard goes to an old peoples home to
host a sing-a-long, but is surprised to discover
that none of the residents recognise him.
Puzzled, he takes an old lady aside and says,
“excuse me, but do you have any idea who I
am?”
“Sorry dear,” says the old lady. “But if you
ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you”.
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Captain Haddock- Location: Marlinspike Hall
- Registered: 8 Oct 2012
- Posts: 8,095
Walked past a beggar today. He said, "Any change mate?"
I said, "Nope, still got the big house and nice car thanks."
"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
Dr. Hunter S Thompson
TheThinWhiteDuke- Registered: 7 Jul 2016
- Posts: 357
Along the same lines:
Walked past a beggar today. He said, "Any spare change mate?"
I said, "I don't know. I haven't finished living yet".
James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
The only thing I take seriously in the
newspapers nowadays is fish and chips, and
even that I take with a pinch of salt.
Ross Miller likes this
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Captain Haddock- Location: Marlinspike Hall
- Registered: 8 Oct 2012
- Posts: 8,095
Found out that my Great Aunt is 80% Irish.
Great Aunt Iris that is.
"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
Dr. Hunter S Thompson
James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Jan Higgins likes this(Not my real name.)
Reginald Barrington likes this"We are living in very strange times, and they are likely to get a lot stranger before we bottom out"
