Guest 698- Registered: 28 May 2010
- Posts: 8,664
I wish I could remember, Roger.
I'm an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes my raincoat - Harold Wilson
Guest 667- Registered: 6 Apr 2008
- Posts: 919
Church Ladies With Typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Guest 667- Registered: 6 Apr 2008
- Posts: 919
• One good turn gets the duvet.
• The early worm gets eaten!
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.
• The second mouse gets the cheese.
• Never kick a fresh cowpat on a hot day.
• Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
• When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable
plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Guest 698- Registered: 28 May 2010
- Posts: 8,664
Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
I'm an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes my raincoat - Harold Wilson
Guest 667- Registered: 6 Apr 2008
- Posts: 919
Do not Steel the Government hates the competition.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
Guest 700- Registered: 11 Jun 2010
- Posts: 2,868
Lovely !
Talking of Church notices, some years ago a notice in our village magazine re discussion group:
7pm Tuesday - SIN AT THE RECTORY
(it was read on"That's Life")
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Lincolnshire Born and Bred
Bob Whysman
- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,938
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a farm for several years. At the back was a large pond. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables and chairs and some apple and peach trees.
One evening he decided to go down to the pond taking a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he got near he heard voices shouting and laughing and saw that it was a group of women skinny dipping in the pool. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went into the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned.
" I didn't come down to watch you ladies bathing naked, or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator"
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Guest 700- Registered: 11 Jun 2010
- Posts: 2,868
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Lincolnshire Born and Bred
Guest 700- Registered: 11 Jun 2010
- Posts: 2,868
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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Lincolnshire Born and Bred
Guest 649- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 14,118
Very good making us smile and that is good thank you.
thumbsup::
Guest 700- Registered: 11 Jun 2010
- Posts: 2,868
this is the last lot... for now....
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well,"
says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Lincolnshire Born and Bred
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,938
You missed one I think Kath:
An empty coke can went into a bar and ordered a beer, "sorry said the bartender, we don't serve drunk cans here."
(The crackers weren't much good either).
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Guest 1103- Registered: 3 Nov 2013
- Posts: 759
Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou ☺🌈🌄🌌🌏🌍🌎
Guest 1103- Registered: 3 Nov 2013
- Posts: 759
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou ☺🌈🌄🌌🌏🌍🌎
howard mcsweeney1- Location: Dover
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 62,352
a bloke goes into a pub and pulls a tiny bloke and an equally tiny piano out of his pocket and puts both on the bar, the little chap starts to play some chopin.
the barperson is astounded and asks the customer where he got it, the gloomy reply came back " i found a lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared and said i could have anything i wanted but there was a language problem, i didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist".