Gigglers... and funny lifelessons
- 15 November 2013 19:12252660
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughterTry to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou ☺🌈🌄🌌🌏🌍🌎 - 16 November 2013 21:35252763Years ago I worked for a solicitor. He came back from court one very hot day smiling and said the clerk had asked the accused if he would like legal aid. The accused said "Oh yes please, I am rather thirsty"---------------------------------------------------
Lincolnshire Born and Bred - 16 November 2013 23:42252767
Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou ☺🌈🌄🌌🌏🌍🌎 - 17 November 2013 11:45252791Another story from the courts:
The accused replied: "As God is my judge, I am not guilty"
Judge: "He's not, I am, you are"---------------------------------------------------
Lincolnshire Born and Bred - 17 November 2013 12:48252799now for a very old one.
paddy is in court for the 30th time over minor offences.
the magistrate shakes his head and says "i just don't know what to make of you, it must be the drink".
the reply comes back " no problem sir i will wait for you to sober up". - 17 November 2013 21:38252860
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Lincolnshire Born and Bred - 17 November 2013 21:51252867 Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou ☺🌈🌄🌌🌏🌍🌎
- 17 November 2013 22:30252869Heike A baptism of Britishnes
This may upset the fragile do not open
- Bob Whysman
- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
18 November 2013 14:43252898Keith Bibby wrote:Heike A baptism of Britishnes
This may upset the fragile do not open
Hard to recognise you behind the specs K.B.Do nothing and nothing happens. - 18 November 2013 14:47252899each to their own but i never found him remotely funny.
- Brian Dixon
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 23 Sep 2008
- Posts: 23,940
18 November 2013 15:16252902thought he was a perv,from what I have heard of him. - 24 November 2013 20:43253625this is funny
Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou ☺🌈🌄🌌🌏🌍🌎 - 24 November 2013 22:46253631Diplomats:
In Heaven: the police will be English, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it will all be organised by the Swiss.
In Hell, the cooks are English, the police German, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss - and it will all be organised by the Italians.
(Peterborough "Daily Telegraph" 5 Aug 1985)---------------------------------------------------
Lincolnshire Born and Bred - 24 November 2013 22:47253632ADVICE AND THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
(2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
(3) I am in shape. Round's a shape.
(4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
(5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
(6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
(7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
(8) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
(9) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
(10) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
(12) Now on TV they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with blood all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
(13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say,
because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but
only have photographs of her.
(14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses! Now I'll have to
kill you too!"
(15) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the
James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult
Book Store.---------------------------------------------------
Lincolnshire Born and Bred - 24 November 2013 22:49253633some signs and
notices written in English that were discovered by travellers:
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts
by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in
all directions.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking" and "Here
speeching American".---------------------------------------------------
Lincolnshire Born and Bred - 24 November 2013 23:29253635when i was about 12 an uncle from ireland turned up and the first thing he said was "you english are a hard lot, i jiust walked past a church and there was a poster that said the preacher for sunday will be hung outside here on friday".
- 25 November 2013 09:00253645Just off night shift so enjoyed a chuckle at some of these quips on here. You may have seen this one before but it's worth another viewing.
- 27 November 2013 22:13253941In a Spanish hotel brochure: Every room has a beautiful French widow.I'm an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes my raincoat - Harold Wilson
- 27 November 2013 22:22253944 Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Maya Angelou ☺🌈🌄🌌🌏🌍🌎
- 28 November 2013 07:53253955Which Hotel is that Peter ?
Roger
