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How to spot a swivel-eyed loon
A beginner's guide to this increasingly vocal species
Many species native to Britain are in sharp decline, but the swivel-eyed loon (Gavia articulata oculos)
has recently seen a marked increase in numbers, although the rise in sightings could simply be down
to better reporting. But how would you know one if you saw one? For the novice, we present a loon-spotter's guide.
Habitat: Generally to be found lurking in the grass roots, especially near local Conservative associations
and seaside shopping precincts in the home counties and the south-west. Due to loss of habitat, however,
they are increasingly sighted across England, going door to door for Ukip. Extinct in Scotland.
Some members of the species are beginning to sport purple-and-yellow rosettes.
Identification: Plumage is a combination of blue, grey and very white, with some examples of the species
beginning to sport purple and yellow rosettes with the approach of spring 2015. Not to be confused with
the common loon, which is common, or with the great toff tit, which is blue with a liberal splash of red,
and a bright yellow belly.
The species will patiently explain that a firm stand against gay marriage does not constitute prejudice.
Family: The swivel-eyed loon shares certain key traits with bitterns, buntings, grouse, hawks, cuckoos,
coots, parrots and rails.
Behaviour in the wild: Antic, with eyes that gyrate as if on swivels. Extremely vocal at this time of year,
with a shrill cry, generally a long-winded lament about Britain going to hell in a handcart thanks to
immigrants, the aggressive gay community, gay immigrants, out-of-touch ministers, urban metrosexual
elites and Europe. Also rails against political correctness, while simultaneously getting offended by the term
"swivel-eyed loon".
Behaviour in captivity: Tame, with a fixed smile and a steady gaze. Call reduced to soft, seemingly
reasonable warble. Will patiently explain that hatred of immigrants is nothing to do with racism, nor does
a firm stand against gay marriage constitute prejudice. Insists that restoring the economy by slashing
public services and killing off growth should take priority over basic equality, for ever.
What to do if you spot one: Back away politely, while being careful not to express any views of your own.
Make a note of time and location of sighting, unless you are a member of the prime minister's elite inner circle,
in which case it is probably best not to say anything about what you have seen out there.