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Captain Haddock wrote:
Easy mistake by Neil Parish.
I did much the same when I was trying to find out about P&O owners and googled DP World .............
Your browser history must be interesting then.
Copied but still a good bit of relevant satire.
I see you, Neil Parish.
Oh, pal... It happens to the best of us, doesn’t it? One minute you’re harmlessly flicking through AgriculturalTrader, admiring the sleek curves of a racing-green 2016 John Deere 6130R with turnable front fenders, just wondering if you can get the seller to throw in that telehandler bucket he’s also got listed as an extra if you make him a cash offer. Then before you know it, through absolutely no fault of your own, your thumb slips and you’re suddenly watching something else entirely get ploughed into oblivion. It’s a very different sort of muck-spraying action, isn’t it? You’ll never get that crap out of the corduroy panels of your gilet. They’re so stiff you could build an Anderson shelter out of them now.
Christ, what an embarrassment. My toes are curling so far backwards on your behalf that I need a farrier. And you’re not even the idiot who started all this! Whoever the chortling moron was who sat down with the Mail on Sunday last week must be lathering his arse with WD40 right now, for he surely has the squeakiest bum in Westminster. Imagine thinking that your perverse public schoolboy fantasies are just the hot scoop needed to humiliate Angela Rayner, and instead you end up triggering yet another by-election. All because your own side apparently can’t keep their eyes off OnlyFarms at work.
His colleagues must be furious, having their own behaviour dragged out into the light by the backlash to that ridiculous article. The only comfort our mystery man must be feeling right now is the thought that Boris Johnson’s government has always been leakier than some of those specialised ‘combine harvesters’ on CornHub. They’ve never been able to find the gossips before, and it looks like they’ll now be too busy dealing with a hundred sexual misconduct scandals to look for this one properly either. I’d say it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack, Neil Parish, but I know you get far too excited by that sort of farmyard imagery. I wouldn’t want to give you another one of your recurring ‘moments of madness.’
I’m just surprised you even resigned, what with there being a war on and everything. I was half expecting you to claim that the interracial gangbang you were watching was a work event and that you were, in effect, ambushed with a cock. What the tractor have we come to, when the bloke resigning for watching porn in the Commons is the one acting with more integrity than the Prime Minister? Not by much, admittedly, seeing as at first you genuinely thought it was worth clinging on to see if you could wait out an investigation. Then there’s the fact that the excuses are such pure Partridge that half the Tory benches must be tempted to blast them out of the sky with a hunting shotgun, but still… you have actually quit, and you did it quicker than Imran Ahmad Khan did. You’ve closed the tab on your own career faster than a teenage boy ogling a Massey Ferguson 7716 when his mum opens the bedroom door to offer him a cup of tea. Does that… does that almost deserve credit, now? Is that really how tractoring low the bar has fallen?
Nah. You’re a grotty little bugger, and the embarrassment is going to linger for you for the rest of your life, but the last thing you are here is the victim. Clearly there are plenty of genuine ones in Westminster, though. The floodgates have once again been forced wide open, just as they always are when sexual misconduct rears its ugly head in the public sphere. The conversation shifts, uncomfortable conversations suddenly feel permissible, and the sense of solidarity emboldens those who have felt powerless in the past to speak and come forward.
And that’s the real scandal here, isn’t it? It’s no surprise to the women, men and children who have suffered their grotesque advances that those who consider themselves kings of their tawdry little empires behave like animals when they think they can get away with it. What desperately needs to change isn’t just the behaviour itself, but the fact that this shit doesn’t get aired or dealt with until the pressure builds enough to blow the lid off the whole sordid mess.
That there are 56 MPs - almost nine per cent of all of them - who have faced a sexual misconduct complaint over the last four years clearly isn’t just a few ‘bad apples’. Given that the vast majority of this shit is never even reported or complained about, it’s a blight that’s clearly set in to the whole rotten crop of them. The whole system now needs ripping out by the roots and burning, replaced with something far less prone to infestation by such predatory, infantile parasites.
There’s probably a machine for that but if it’s all the same to you, I’ll probably ask someone else to Google it.
I see you, Neil Parish. I tractoring see you.