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    With apologies to the Daily Mash....

    DRIVING to Barnard Castle has been overtaken by looking up tractors and being ambushed by porn as the worst excuse you have ever heard.

    The reigning champion of shittest justification ever has been knocked off the top spot by Neil Parish’s claim that he was looking up tractors when he was surprised by pornographic images.

    Martin Bishop from Daventry said: “Dominic Cumming’s bullshit excuse that he was driving to Barnard Castle to test his eyesight had a good run. And to be honest I thought it had a couple more years in it.

    “I mean, how do you top getting behind the wheel with your wife and child when you’re not sure you can see? Somehow though Neil Parish has pulled it off, and to him I say bravo.”

    Mary Fisher from Kendal said: “He must have been up all night honing the ridiculousness of that excuse. I just hope he took a moment to congratulate himself when he struck upon the idea of combining porn and agricultural vehicles. It’s genius.

    “An infinite number of monkeys hammering away at an infinite number of typewriters could never come up with an idea so hilariously bad, yet he made it look effortless.

    “He should be given a knighthood. Or sacked for being a pervert. Could go either way, given the current state of the Tories.”

    The sainted Natalie, of course, gave her full support to Cummings when it suited her political aspirations. Somehow I doubt that even she will be running to Neil Parish's defence. You get what you vote for.

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