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  Courtesy of the Rochdale Herald
  
  There was despair throughout the Conservative Party today after government officials announced that the annual Christmas do has been cancelled. The news comes after many months of negotiations between Downing Street and Marston’s Brewery collapsed ahead of the much anticipated piss up next week. A spokesman for Marston’s Breweries told The Rochdale Herald “We’re a bit disappointed that the deal to host this year’s Conservative Party piss up in one of our breweries has collapsed.”
  
  “To be fair it was a pretty sweet deal we’d offered them but they kept turning stuff down.” “We offered them free access to as much beer as they wanted and as many bags of crisps they could eat but they kept insisting that that wasn’t enough.” “We weren’t able to offer Unicorn cocktails and Christmas Cake that they could simultaneously have and eat like Michael Gove was insisting.”
  
  “They kept banging on about wanting a dividend as well. We’re absolutely fine with giving our shareholders a dividend, but they have to actually buy some shares to get one.” ‘It seems that the Conservatives would simply rather not have a party at all than do a deal.”

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