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A light hearted look at the situation in the Times.
This is the moment a certain type of Brexiteer feared. Brexit is about to happen. Then what will they o with themselves? They claim to speak for the 17 million, but actually number about 17 Tory oddballs who have spent more time with Kay Burley on Sky News than with their own families. For three years they have been warning about traitors and saboteurs and Gary Lineker trying to thwart the will of the people, but now the only people standing in the way of Brexit happening are themselves. In the ultimate humiliation, they have been outfoxed by Theresa May, who is to strategic negotiation what she is to conversation: nothing of interest happens for ages, but in the end everybody will do what is necessary to just make it stop.
And her deal passing looks more and more likely. The Tory and DUP hardliners say that Geoffrey Cox, the attorney-general, needs to bring back something big from Brussels this week. Frankly he could bring back a large Toblerone and quite a lot of them will climb down. Jacob Rees-Mogg is among those looking for a ladder, though that might just be so that Nanny can clean the upstairs windows.
They should be careful what they wish for. If we do leave on March 29, the circus will quickly move on. No more “and we’re joined on the line by Owen Paterson” or “next week the panel will be in Tunbridge Wells with Mark Francois”.
Pray for Andrew Bridgen. His press cuttings have already dwindled since my column in November pointing out that his grasp of the truth is as tight as mine on the plot of Star Wars. Amazingly the threat from spud-u-don’t-like to go on strike until he got an apology from Downing Street for my work as a No 10 stooge (that’s me, mouthpiece of the May regime) turned out not to be true either.
Perhaps pre-empting the looming publicity desert, Nadine Dorries is taking part in ITV’s The Junk Food Experiment, getting meat sweats from non-stop burgers and pizzas. Which is notable only because normally with Brexiteers on telly it is tasteless, concocted crap coming out of their mouths, not going in.
Even Brexiteers are bored by Brexit now. In fact, especially Brexiteers. A YouGov poll this week showed 64 per cent of Leavers think Brexit news is boring. Whose fault is that? Meanwhile, Nigel Farage is taking a long walk, though sadly not off a short pier. His “March to Leave” from Sunderland to London is, in theory, 280 miles long, although like every Brexiteer’s plan there are big gaps. Totalling some 130 miles. You can pay to become a “core marcher” for just £50, and for that you get breakfast (presumably not continental), a beanie hat, a water bottle and a hi-vis jacket. Which is good because for drivers at night it can be difficult to spot the blackshirts. It is deliberately modelled on the Jarrow March, when a couple of hundred men walked to the capital in protest at not being able to find work. Farage fears being out of work too. If Brexit goes ahead, he might never be booked on the TV again. If your Andrew Bridgens and Nigel Farages and Steve Bakers and Bernard Jenkins fall over themselves to talk about Brexit, but no one is around to film it or write it down, do they really exist?
