Beards have been identified as a major culprit in the spread of coronavirus. Emergency legislation will be introduced to make the wearing of a beard a criminal offence, and new measures will include internment and trial without jury. Police will carry shaving kits, and beard-sporters who fail to self-shave when asked to do so by a police officer will be publicly force-shaved on the spot, then locked up. Joke shops have reported a run on false beards, as the hirsute stock up on ersatz facial hair so as to maintain appearances while at at the same time allowing for an abrubt removal should they spot a plod. Neighbours will be rewarded with sweeties if they report irresponsible chin-coverers to the authorities.
The BBC tried to contact W.G. Grace, George Bernard Shaw and D.H Lawrence, but they were unavailable for comment
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51785266