This was actually taken from a passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day.....
Subject: Passport Application
Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?
How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!
I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning, but between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN ...
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
Jan Higgins
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 5 Jul 2010
- Posts: 13,888
That is brilliant, who cares if it is true or not.
It reminded me of the time my daughter went to change banks recently and had to prove her identity before she could open an account.
Her three month out of date passport was no good.
Her a driving license did not have a picture so that was no good.
Her last two wage slips were no good even though they have her NI number on them.
She could not produce a utility bill as they are all in my name, how would they prove who she was anyway.
As a result she has not changed banks and had to send off for a replacement driving license with picture even though it was still valid.
How would I prove I am a 68 year old woman born and raised in this country as my passport is out of date and I do not drive. Bureaucracy has definitely gone mad.
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I try to be neutral and polite but it is hard and getting even more difficult at times.
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Jan Higgins- Location: Dover
- Registered: 5 Jul 2010
- Posts: 13,888
I refuse to speak to my bank on the phone. How do I know they are my bank it could be anyone at the end of the line trying to get my details.
Banks make me laugh with their security measures, they send letters through the post with my name address and full account number,
madness.
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I try to be neutral and polite but it is hard and getting even more difficult at times.
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Brian Dixon
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 23 Sep 2008
- Posts: 23,940
actuly i'm european,not british,not english either just european.
Guest 703- Registered: 30 Jul 2010
- Posts: 2,096
I'm Dovorian, Kentish, English, British, European, Citizen of the World and Child of the Universe - in that order!
And I love that letter, exactly how I feel going through the hoops at the moment just trying to change my father-in-law's address with all the various agencies - grrr
howard mcsweeney1- Location: Dover
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 62,352
i never knew you were mixed race ray, couldn't tell by looking at you.
definitely a dark horse, sorry i meant off white of course.
Guest 703- Registered: 30 Jul 2010
- Posts: 2,096
Howard, I usually get comments about my hair colour (lack of!) not suntan.
Guest 698- Registered: 28 May 2010
- Posts: 8,664
This applies in all countries: if you pay someone by cheque you are giving them your sort code, account number, address of your bank and a specimen signature. How clever is that?
I'm an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes my raincoat - Harold Wilson
