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Okay, you win. The truth will out, as they say (whatever that means).
Last night I got a strange visit by two very big men in black suits and hats. Both wore shades and the man on the left was tapping a large wooden baseball bat on his palm. The man on the right was examining his fingernails while he spoke: "You that movie review guy?"
I replied that I was and immediately they pushed me, forcing the door to burst wide open and they grabbed my head and threw me into my own living room. I landed hard against the TV set, causing it to fall over. Fingernails, as I've come to call him, withdrew a very odd looking gun from under his jacket and shot both of my dogs with it. The gun shot a sort of plasma bolt, which I thought was odd. Baseball Bat, as I call the other guy, touched the heavy round tip of his bat onto my forehead and told me not to move.
Fingernails explained that they were aliens from the planet Xmyforpklddsxx 3, which I just happen to be able to spell perfectly, and that the Pope is in fact their secret leader and is here on a top secret mission to cause 9-11. Originally the Pope, or Pee-Doh to give him his proper Xmyforpskian name, was going to crash two flying saucers into the Egyptian pyramids in order to display his power to the world but there was a general strike among UFO pilots at the time so he hypnotized a gang of Muslims from the Islamic Peace and Tranquility Fellowship to fly a couple of jumbo jets into "two of the tallest buildings you can find". The rest, as they say, is history.
He went on to explain that after the assassination of JKF and Marilyn Monroe, the Pope was forced to shoot down a rogue UFO over Roswell, New Mexico, and he educated Adolf Hitler in the black arts of alien wisdom and the occult whilst visiting the Watergate Hotel, which is what led to the current War on Terror. What few people realize is that this war is actually an alien "War on Terry", in which the Pope is trying to destroy veteran BBC presenter Terry Wogan, but as normal, we've all misunderstood and led the world into a devastating conflict.
And so, as a punishment for posting a rather cheeky image of the Pope on this very website, I was forced to quit making movie reviews otherwise I would have been, to use their own words, "shot with a plasma gun, your remains to be beaten to pulp with this here bat until all that remains of you is a puddle of human soup with a skull in it".
And that's all true that is. It's a conspiracy!