howard mcsweeney1- Location: Dover
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 62,352
#1
back when president brezhnev died in the old soviet union, the the sdp and liberals were together in what was known as a "special relationship".
at the funeral in moscow all the politicos from around the world were invited.
the more important ones had private facilities, whilst the less privileged had to share.
our greatest political wit, denis healey was there and went looking for a changing room, pulled a curtain back and was confronted by david steel and david owen both with their trousers around their ankles.
denis commented "so this is what they mean by a special relationship".
still makes me guffaw.
Guest 667- Registered: 6 Apr 2008
- Posts: 919
#2
Electioneering
While walking down the street one day Lord Mandelweasel is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see an exalted personage around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says His Magnificence.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from Higher Up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says His Importance.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, as well as the boy from Brazil.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne and guacomole (mushy peas, really).
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They are all very courteous and friendly and he quite enjoys himself. Again, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
His Great Importance reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers Mandelweasel. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...
TODAY, YOU VOTED!!
Guest 667- Registered: 6 Apr 2008
- Posts: 919
#3
Poor Gordon...
Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for just £100.' The British diplomats go into a corner and discuss this for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the
money you save, you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly.'
The British diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'