Gardening implement relieved to be found not guilty.
A machete spoke today about the hurt it felt at being accused of being an offensive weapon. 'I'm so relieved', the machete said, 'I've had five months of this and it's made me really edgy. It's not as if I'm a knife or anything is it?' Thanking the jury, the machete said 'I just want to get back to some gardening. I'll have to find a new owner, though, when the police let me out of the evidence bag.'
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-51235506