Joke of the year

• howard mcsweeney1

  • Location: Dover
  • Registered: 12 Mar 2008
  • Posts: 62,352
  9 February 2012     17:01152493
  #1      
  i didn't find any of these particularly funny.
  
  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/comedy/9072313/Joke-of-the-year-Telegraph-readers-funniest-one-liners.html
• Guest 657

  • Registered: 13 Mar 2008
  • Posts: 3,037
  9 February 2012     17:08152495
  #2      
  Yawn...........
  
  I like a good joke but none of those. Is it just me or are comedians not as funny as they used to be?!
  www.facebook.com/jeaneheadstonehunter
• howard mcsweeney1

  • Location: Dover
  • Registered: 12 Mar 2008
  • Posts: 62,352
  9 February 2012     17:11152496
  #3      
  they all seemed like christmas cracker fillers.
• Guest 710

  • Registered: 28 Feb 2011
  • Posts: 6,950
  9 February 2012     17:46152505
  #4      
  I say, I say, I say...
  
  An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
  
  The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
  
  The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
  
  The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
  
  The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
  
  
  
  There are four kinds of people in the UK :
  i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
  ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
  iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
  iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
  
  What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
  
  
  
  http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/latest.htm
  Ignorance is bliss, bliss is happiness, I am happy...to draw your attention to the possible connectivity in the foregoing.
• Guest 671

  • Registered: 4 May 2008
  • Posts: 2,095
  21 March 2012     10:14160582
  #5      
  This Budget, the taxpayers will receive 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
  I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
  
  Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
  A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
  
  Q. Where will the government get this money?
  A. From taxpayers.
  
  Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
  A. Only a smidgen of it.
  
  Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
  A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase goods, thus stimulating UK economy.
  
  Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
  
  * If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.
  * If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
  * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
  * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
  * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
  * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
  * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
  
  So, to keep your money in the UK buy:
  Spend it on a Tattoo or at car boot sales
  These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.
  "My New Year's Resolution, is to try and emulate Marek's level of chilled out, thoughtfulness and humour towards other forumites and not lose my decorum"
  • Asda
  • Tesco
• Brian Dixon

  • Location: Dover
  • Registered: 23 Sep 2008
  • Posts: 23,940
  21 March 2012     12:11160627
  #6      
  thats a good one gary,it made me chuckle.
• Guest 698

  • Registered: 28 May 2010
  • Posts: 8,664
  21 March 2012     12:39160636
  #7      
  Spend it on Real Ale.
  I'm an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes my raincoat - Harold Wilson
• Guest 743

  • Registered: 28 Feb 2012
  • Posts: 260
  21 March 2012     23:49160768
  #8      
  oh dear i got some pretty goodens being a Plumber heehe but ill most likely be evicted from the forum so will keep them to myself hehe
• Guest 671

  • Registered: 4 May 2008
  • Posts: 2,095
  29 April 2012     09:31169074
  #9      
  A young man walked into the local jobcentre office and marched up to the counter and demanded a job stating "he had read that there are lots of jobs in going in Canterbury"
  
  The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes and meals will be provided.
  You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and take care of all her desires.
  
  The young lad, with plain wide-eyes, said, "You're bulls----g' me!"
  
  The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it!"
  "My New Year's Resolution, is to try and emulate Marek's level of chilled out, thoughtfulness and humour towards other forumites and not lose my decorum"
• Bern

  • Location: Dover
  29 April 2012     10:31169097
  #10      
  A lovely start to my online day! I have to say, though, I enjoy Tim Vines one liners. Silly, but they make me giggle.