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ADVICE AND THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1) Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
(2) I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
(3) I am in shape. Round's a shape.
(4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
(5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
(6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
(7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
(8) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
(9) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
(10) I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.
(12) Now on TV they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with blood all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
(13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say,
because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but
only have photographs of her.
(14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses! Now I'll have to
kill you too!"
(15) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the
James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult
Book Store.