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    In a move that will mean absolutely nothing to any St Margaret's-based MPs busily checking which prospective leader of the Conservative Party the wind is blowing towards, Dover have shot up one place to 13th following Gateshead's 9-point deduction for various administrative offences. This move has had a momentous consequence for the Whites, who now finish the season top of the bottom half of the table.

    I understand that the National League offered the 9 spare points to the European Broadcasting Union in a generous attempt to increase Michael Rice's Eurovision score. The EBU, however, politely declined, saying that 'Eurovision is Bigger Than U and the points should be used to buy hay for the starving donkey who composed the UK's entry.'

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